Log in

I forgot my password

Latest topics
» Workshop Meeting 6th October
Tue Oct 06, 2009 12:21 pm by MistyBlue

» Sniffly and Snuffly
Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:03 pm by SammyR

» How much do freelancers make?
Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:02 pm by SammyR

» Newbie on the scene.
Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:10 am by Starflower

» Grammar and Good Writing
Tue Sep 29, 2009 11:43 pm by Crakan68

» Book Excerpt
Tue Sep 29, 2009 7:58 pm by MistyBlue

» Cancelled - Group Meeting on Tuesday 29th September 2009
Thu Sep 24, 2009 2:25 pm by MistyBlue

» Nice to meet you
Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:37 am by DanielaJackson

» Avatar help
Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:34 am by DanielaJackson

Search
 
 

Display results as :
 


Rechercher Advanced Search

Social bookmarking

Social bookmarking digg  Social bookmarking delicious  Social bookmarking reddit  Social bookmarking stumbleupon  Social bookmarking slashdot  Social bookmarking yahoo  Social bookmarking google  Social bookmarking blogmarks  Social bookmarking live      

Bookmark and share the address of Writers Workshop on your social bookmarking website

Bookmark and share the address of Writers Online on your social bookmarking website


I tried!

Go down

I tried!

Post  angelblade1889 on Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:07 pm

I lay here thinking. Wondering where it all went wrong.
I can hear people coming and going from the other rooms, all with different reasons for being here I guess.

It's cold and dark, the air is stale and musty smelling. The only light in the room is the pale green glow from my alarm clock on the rickety wooden table beside the bed....it now reads 11.45pm.
Amid the dim of muffled voices of a young couple arguing in the next room I can hear the lapping of the waves on the shore. Some people would find that comforting even theraputic. To me it's tourture, a continuous reminder that I'm not at home in the city with my comfortable bed and successful life.

Why am I here? Why did I sacrifice my friends, career and lifestyle? To get my baby back!
He was taken what seems to be a lifetime ago now. I searched and fought for so long until I had to conceede and try to move on.
I did, or so it seemed to others and that's why I lay here now, thinking in the dark. Sacrifice? If he is back in my arms in the morning it won't have been a sacrifice at all, it would be worth all that and more.
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  SammyR on Wed Aug 12, 2009 5:34 pm

I wanna try an exercise too.. Nice writing style angel. Have you thought about turning it into a full story cos it looks like its leading into a good one imo!
avatar
SammyR
Trainee Writer

Posts : 56
Join date : 2009-08-11

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  angelblade1889 on Wed Aug 12, 2009 6:12 pm

Thank you Sammy, I hadn't thought of expanding it really as I'm not really a writer, I just like to have a go at it now and then, and hope to learn something along the way.
This was my attempt at the writing the scene excercise...if you do it to I can read yours, and I also won't feel so lonely LOL
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  Crakan68 on Wed Aug 12, 2009 7:13 pm

Good effort angelblade! Very Happy If i get a chance i'll have a go at it.

Crakan68
Rookie Writer

Posts : 32
Join date : 2009-08-10
Location : UK

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  Athas on Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:13 am

Wow this is pretty good. I really get a feel for that. I really want to know what happened to the baby.


angelblade1889 wrote:I lay here thinking. Wondering where it all went wrong.
I can hear people coming and going from the other rooms, all with different reasons for being here I guess.

Not a big thing but I think the "I guess" doesn't really add much to this. It feels a bit like author interjection

angelblade1889 wrote:
It's cold and dark, the air is stale and musty smelling. The only light in the room is the pale green glow from my alarm clock on the rickety wooden table beside the bed....it now reads 11.45pm.
Sets the scene nicely I like the way you put the first paragraph first to frame the character mood and the second paragraph is just the description. I get the vibe of a cheap hotel room in so few words. Well done.
angelblade1889 wrote:
Amid the dim of muffled voices of a young couple arguing in the next room I can hear the lapping of the waves on the shore. Some people would find that comforting even theraputic. To me it's tourture, a continuous reminder that I'm not at home in the city with my comfortable bed and successful life.
This is also good lets us know more about the character . Gives us a more concrete location and reinforces that their in an environment that is not their own and their not entirely comfortable with.

angelblade1889 wrote:
Why am I here? Why did I sacrifice my friends, career and lifestyle? To get my baby back!
He was taken what seems to be a lifetime ago now. I searched and fought for so long until I had to concede and try to move on.
Moving along with the plot. The timing of the reason for the piece is impeccable. Any more descriptions of the location or hints to the character state of mind would have been overbearing. This sets up a plot hook very nicely.

I may rephrase for clarity. Maybe "To get my baby back, thats why I'm here. I had to sacrifice my friends, career and lifestyle". That's just my personal style and I think its slightly less bleak then the original. After all we have already established that the character isn't in healthy state of mind. Its just my opinion but I think that that flows more easily.

angelblade1889 wrote:
I did, or so it seemed to others and that's why I lay here now, thinking in the dark. Sacrifice? If he is back in my arms in the morning it won't have been a sacrifice at all, it would be worth all that and more.

Very nice I'd love to know what happens. Your piece really piqued my interest. I know its just an exercise and you don't have much more but you could really consider trying to change this to a short story for a magazine. I'd probably split the first sentence "I did, or so it seemed to others and that's why I lay here now" to become "I did, or so it seemed to others. That's why I lay here now.

I really get a great impression that the characher has done some terrible things to get their baby back and I wish I knew what they were.

Honesty I think this is a great cliffhanger and really has the potential to become a great story.

Hope that this has been some help.

Athas
avatar
Athas
Rookie Writer

Posts : 18
Join date : 2009-08-11

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  angelblade1889 on Thu Aug 13, 2009 9:44 am

Thanks for the critique athas...it does help a lot. LOL I actually had a dream about this last night...I may write it down, if I get time...or if baby gives me time I should say.
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  MistyBlue on Thu Aug 13, 2009 10:12 am

I agree about the cliffhanger bit. It's good. When you say you hope the baby is "back in my arms by morning" I assumed when reading it Question that you have either gone totally insane after some kind of loss i.e. miscarriage and maybe hoping for a reconcilliation, or that the baby has been abducted or taken by a family member. I know you don't know because you haven't developed a reason, but that would be my guess hehe! Cool

_________________
"Sometimes you're doing good work, even when it feels like all you're managing is to shovel shit from a sitting position" - Stephen King
avatar
MistyBlue
Admin

Posts : 79
Join date : 2009-08-09
Location : Gibraltar

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  angelblade1889 on Thu Aug 13, 2009 10:26 am

Your right I didn't know until my dream last night, but if I get a chance to write it down it's very interesting...if I do get to pen it all, I'll e-mail it to you lol
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

I tried! - dream version

Post  angelblade1889 on Thu Aug 13, 2009 5:04 pm

I lay here thinking. Wondering where it all went wrong.
I can hear people coming and going from the other rooms, all with different reasons for being here, and if I cared I may wonder what those reasons were.

It's cold and dark, the air is stale and musty smelling. The only light in the room is the pale green glow from my alarm clock on the rickety wooden table beside the bed....it now reads 11.45pm.
Amid the din of muffled voices of a young couple arguing in the next room I can hear the lapping of the waves on the shore. Some people would find that comforting even theraputic. To me it's tourture, a continuous reminder that I'm not at home in the city with my comfortable bed and successful life.

Why am I here? Why did I sacrifice my friends, career and lifestyle? To get my baby back!
He was taken what seems to be a lifetime ago now. I searched and fought for so long until I had to conceede and try to move on.
I did, or so it seemed to others. That's why I lay here now, thinking in the dark. Sacrifice? If he is back in my arms in the morning it won't have been a sacrifice at all, it would be worth all that and more.
A glance across at the clock tells me it’s now 12.48pm. Could time pass any slower? My mind begins to search, way back to the begining. Way back to when my parents introduced me to Giovanni. How different my life would have been if I had said no to the typical Sicilian arranged marriage. He was good, I’ll give him that, the patience and disclipine it must have taken to seem like such a kind loving individual, he had us all fooled, every one of us.
If my father had know what this man, no, this beast was capable of, he would have protected me from it all.

Maybe if he hadn’t had been the way he was, I would never have fallen for his opposite, Anthony. Ahh Anthony, my forbidden love, my saviour, I miss him so much already.

A letter was pushed under the door of my apartment three weeks ago.....I read over it in my mind once again...........if you want your angel you must follow my instructions, and completely. Remember I will always be watching you, waiting for you to make an error. You left me and so you had to suffer, to feel loss the way I did, you have done that, but now.....you must make sacrifices, and I must see you suffer more!
You must leave Anthony, you cannot explain why, or he will die. You can never again contact him or anyone he knows, or he will die.
You must leave your job, your appartment, your friends and family.
Explanation or contact of any kind with any of these people or the feds, and you guessed it, Anthony will die.
Choose Anthony over our child, Anthony will die, and you will have nothing to show for it.
So now, choose, how much are you willing to sacrifice? Who do you have more love for?
Be at the Sandy Shores Motel, three weeks from today. I will know if you have complied...if you have, you will get him back.
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  Crakan68 on Fri Aug 14, 2009 8:41 am

That is very passionate writing angelblade, Smile a little sad though.

Crakan68
Rookie Writer

Posts : 32
Join date : 2009-08-10
Location : UK

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  angelblade1889 on Fri Aug 14, 2009 8:49 am

lol, you really think it's sad? I think it's a shame, but happy as she will get her baby back Smile
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  MistyBlue on Fri Aug 14, 2009 9:29 am

I like it, but I als wonder why you dreamt that lol Thank goodness she gets the baby back or I'd have cried Sad Smile I dreamt I had a fight with Kerry Katona and her husband last night. They were trying to get me to do their gardening and I was annoyed about it. I have NO IDEA I don't even read anything about these people!!

_________________
"Sometimes you're doing good work, even when it feels like all you're managing is to shovel shit from a sitting position" - Stephen King
avatar
MistyBlue
Admin

Posts : 79
Join date : 2009-08-09
Location : Gibraltar

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  angelblade1889 on Fri Aug 14, 2009 9:34 am

hahahahha, unusual to say the lest!
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  Fanmale on Sat Aug 15, 2009 10:41 am

So is it Anthony or the Baby or both? Laughing
avatar
Fanmale
Rookie Writer

Posts : 15
Join date : 2009-08-12
Location : Stockport

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  angelblade1889 on Sat Aug 15, 2009 10:53 am

Sorry fanmale, I don't understand the question...is what Anthony the baby or both?
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  Fanmale on Mon Aug 17, 2009 10:12 am

Sorry, the way I interprerted it, you had to make a choice between Anthony or the baby?I was just asking you which you chose? Laughing
avatar
Fanmale
Rookie Writer

Posts : 15
Join date : 2009-08-12
Location : Stockport

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  angelblade1889 on Mon Aug 17, 2009 10:30 am

ok, basically in the letter, he gives her the choice of leaving everything incl. Anthony and having the baby back.....or.......choosing Anthony, and Anthony being killed anyway....so not much of a choice really anyway, that's because he is a very nasty individual, and basically wants to see her suffer.
avatar
angelblade1889
Rookie Writer

Posts : 33
Join date : 2009-08-12
Age : 118

Back to top Go down

Re: I tried!

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum