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My Scene!

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My Scene!

Post  SammyR on Wed Aug 12, 2009 8:50 pm

Hopefully its not toooo bad! lol


I flicked the lid of my watch open. It was a quarter to midnight. Jackal had paged me just a moment ago. He said I had to kneel down low and wait by the window in the darkened room by the California beach hotel. His instructions were clear and precise, if paranoid. I knelt down as low as I could, looking down at the cars making their way along the street. They could have been in any of them but I knew that at the stroke of midnight they would pass in the blackest limo, plate CA68 R33. The chaueffuer - Jackal, and my target, hidden at the back.

I placed the night goggles on the floor next to my feet. A few seconds to breathe would be all that I needed - to focus. The task ahead would take me two seconds, the repercussions would make history. I breathed slowly and deeply, in, out. Flipping the lid now - 11.54.

It was time!

With one hand I lifted the goggles and placed them firmly over my eyes. With the other I lifted the the rifle and placed the tip through the small opening in the window.

I counted down.

Five. A line of cars appeared from the right corner of the hotel. Not theirs. But close. Four. My heart quickened and my index finger rested over the trigger. Three. The car finally appeared, rolling at a slow pace. Two. Goodbye Mr President. I aimed to fire.

One! There was an explosive sound, but it came from the wrong direction. Then came the pain! Whatever happened my whole body crumbled and I could no longer kneel there. I only turned and saw his face for a fraction of a second before slumping to the floor. Jackal! Grinning at me from ear to ear.
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Re: My Scene!

Post  Athas on Wed Aug 12, 2009 10:10 pm

SammyR wrote:Hopefully its not toooo bad! lol
Not at all this is what we are here for to share our writing. I like it its quite a clear easy to read style

SammyR wrote:
I flicked the lid of my watch open. It was a quarter to midnight. Jackal had paged me just a moment ago. He said I had to kneel down low and wait by the window in the darkened room by the California beach hotel. His instructions were clear and precise, if paranoid. I knelt down as low as I could, looking down at the cars making their way along the street. They could have been in any of them but I knew that at the stroke of midnight they would pass in the blackest limo, plate CA68 R33. The chaueffuer - Jackal, and my target, hidden at the back.

Them passing at exactly the stroke of midnight seems a little clich├ęd. If their all black limo's why would it be the "Blackest" limo.


Okay this is good it sets the scene pretty well. The sentence about the darkened room may be written a little clearer I think as its a bit unclear if the darkened room is in the hotel or next to the hotel. Isn't the chauffeur driving? Are they all hidden in the back of the limo? If its so dark will he really be able to distinguish the correct passenger.

SammyR wrote:
I placed the night goggles on the floor next to my feet. A few seconds to breathe would be all that I needed - to focus. The task ahead would take me two seconds, the repercussions would make history. I breathed slowly and deeply, in, out. Flipping the lid now - 11.54.

It was time!

This adds atmosphere. I really like it. I've got an image of him with an old fashioned pocket watch. This I like because it makes me wonder about the character more. Who is he what are his motivations. He's also humanised a lot by this action.

SammyR wrote:
With one hand I lifted the goggles and placed them firmly over my eyes. With the other I lifted the the rifle and placed the tip through the small opening in the window.

I counted down.

Five. A line of cars appeared from the right corner of the hotel. Not theirs. But close. Four. My heart quickened and my index finger rested over the trigger. Three. The car finally appeared, rolling at a slow pace. Two. Goodbye Mr President. I aimed to fire.

This is fantastic writing. The short sentences really add to the momentum of the piece and make it all the more tense.

SammyR wrote:
One! There was an explosive sound, but it came from the wrong direction. Then came the pain! Whatever happened my whole body crumbled and I could no longer kneel there. I only turned and saw his face for a fraction of a second before slumping to the floor. Jackal! Grinning at me from ear to ear.
Wasn't Jackal in the car?
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Athas
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Re: My Scene!

Post  SammyR on Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:17 pm

wow thanks for the full critique!! Yeah i got the idea as i was just watching one of those documentary's on JFK assassination just before i started typing lol. I supppose it worked! Ive read alot of thrillers too so i know they like to keep some sentences short to build tension etc.

Yeah re jackal! He was supposed to be in the car. But the story doesn't say that the guy with the gun actually saw him in the car so i thought i would be a good idea to leave that as a kind of suspenseful twist? I dunno, i think thats sort of how they do it in the movies where the killer is not the person you might think it is ?
Also i couldnt remember what those goggles were called and whether I should have been being specific and saying Night Vision Goggles, or does night goggles do? Rolling Eyes

But huge thanks on your comments! Very Happy
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Re: My Scene!

Post  angelblade1889 on Thu Aug 13, 2009 3:43 pm

Hey Sammy,

I thought your piece was great...I totally got the bit about Jackal..really cool, liked that a lot....the only bit I didn';t get was about "the darkened room by the California beach hotel".....I also read that as the room the assassin is in is next to and not in the hotel.

Like I said, I know nothing about writing, but that was the only bit that confussed me, the rest was captivating.
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Re: My Scene!

Post  SammyR on Fri Aug 14, 2009 5:07 pm

angelblade1889 wrote:Hey Sammy,

I thought your piece was great...I totally got the bit about Jackal..really cool, liked that a lot....the only bit I didn';t get was about "the darkened room by the California beach hotel".....I also read that as the room the assassin is in is next to and not in the hotel.

Like I said, I know nothing about writing, but that was the only bit that confussed me, the rest was captivating.

oooooops my bad! your're right angel. Typo or whatever I guess, thanks for pointing it out, it was meant to be IN the hotel, hired to kill the President. Sorry Wink
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Re: My Scene!

Post  angelblade1889 on Sat Aug 15, 2009 8:09 am

Cool, in that case, I got it all lol, very very good, makes mine sound really boring though lol
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Re: My Scene!

Post  MistyBlue on Sat Aug 15, 2009 5:37 pm

Sammy, it's really really good! I think you should have a go at writing a longer story (or book) I know it sounds like hard work but I think you could do something like this incredibly well if you put your mind to it.

Your knack and style is gripping, and pretty much spot on in terms of technique, structure, pacing and tension. All necessary for the thriller genre. I'm sure some of the others might agree with me. Just my two cents anyway! Very Happy

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Re: My Scene!

Post  SammyR on Sun Aug 16, 2009 10:31 am

MistyBlue wrote:Sammy, it's really really good! I think you should have a go at writing a longer story (or book) I know it sounds like hard work but I think you could do something like this incredibly well if you put your mind to it.

Your knack and style is gripping, and pretty much spot on in terms of technique, structure, pacing and tension. All necessary for the thriller genre. I'm sure some of the others might agree with me. Just my two cents anyway! Very Happy

Thanks for your encouragment misty. There are lots of things I want to do, that's half the problem lol I'll definitely keep on writing though and see what comes out of it!
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Re: My Scene!

Post  Crakan68 on Sun Aug 16, 2009 8:21 pm

Misty makes sense, you did a good job. Very Happy

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Re: My Scene!

Post  SammyR on Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:38 pm

Crakan68 wrote:Misty makes sense, you did a good job. Very Happy

Very Happy Thanks
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Re: My Scene!

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