I tried!

I lay here thinking. Wondering where it all went wrong.
I can hear people coming and going from the other rooms, all with different reasons for being here I guess.

It's cold and dark, the air is stale and musty smelling. The only light in the room is the pale green glow from my alarm clock on the rickety wooden table beside the bed....it now reads 11.45pm.
Amid the dim of muffled voices of a young couple arguing in the next room I can hear the lapping of the waves on the shore. Some people would find that comforting even theraputic. To me it's tourture, a continuous reminder that I'm not at home in the city with my comfortable bed and successful life.

Why am I here? Why did I sacrifice my friends, career and lifestyle? To get my baby back!
He was taken what seems to be a lifetime ago now. I searched and fought for so long until I had to conceede and try to move on.
I did, or so it seemed to others and that's why I lay here now, thinking in the dark. Sacrifice? If he is back in my arms in the morning it won't have been a sacrifice at all, it would be worth all that and more.

I wanna try an exercise too.. Nice writing style angel. Have you thought about turning it into a full story cos it looks like its leading into a good one imo!

Thank you Sammy, I hadn't thought of expanding it really as I'm not really a writer, I just like to have a go at it now and then, and hope to learn something along the way.
This was my attempt at the writing the scene excercise...if you do it to I can read yours, and I also won't feel so lonely LOL

Good effort angelblade! If i get a chance i'll have a go at it.

Wow this is pretty good. I really get a feel for that. I really want to know what happened to the baby.

angelblade1889 wrote:I lay here thinking. Wondering where it all went wrong.
I can hear people coming and going from the other rooms, all with different reasons for being here I guess.

Not a big thing but I think the "I guess" doesn't really add much to this. It feels a bit like author interjection

angelblade1889 wrote:
It's cold and dark, the air is stale and musty smelling. The only light in the room is the pale green glow from my alarm clock on the rickety wooden table beside the bed....it now reads 11.45pm.

Sets the scene nicely I like the way you put the first paragraph first to frame the character mood and the second paragraph is just the description. I get the vibe of a cheap hotel room in so few words. Well done.

angelblade1889 wrote:
Amid the dim of muffled voices of a young couple arguing in the next room I can hear the lapping of the waves on the shore. Some people would find that comforting even theraputic. To me it's tourture, a continuous reminder that I'm not at home in the city with my comfortable bed and successful life.

This is also good lets us know more about the character . Gives us a more concrete location and reinforces that their in an environment that is not their own and their not entirely comfortable with.

angelblade1889 wrote:
Why am I here? Why did I sacrifice my friends, career and lifestyle? To get my baby back!
He was taken what seems to be a lifetime ago now. I searched and fought for so long until I had to concede and try to move on.

Moving along with the plot. The timing of the reason for the piece is impeccable. Any more descriptions of the location or hints to the character state of mind would have been overbearing. This sets up a plot hook very nicely.

I may rephrase for clarity. Maybe "To get my baby back, thats why I'm here. I had to sacrifice my friends, career and lifestyle". That's just my personal style and I think its slightly less bleak then the original. After all we have already established that the character isn't in healthy state of mind. Its just my opinion but I think that that flows more easily.

angelblade1889 wrote:
I did, or so it seemed to others and that's why I lay here now, thinking in the dark. Sacrifice? If he is back in my arms in the morning it won't have been a sacrifice at all, it would be worth all that and more.

Very nice I'd love to know what happens. Your piece really piqued my interest. I know its just an exercise and you don't have much more but you could really consider trying to change this to a short story for a magazine. I'd probably split the first sentence "I did, or so it seemed to others and that's why I lay here now" to become "I did, or so it seemed to others. That's why I lay here now.

I really get a great impression that the characher has done some terrible things to get their baby back and I wish I knew what they were.

Honesty I think this is a great cliffhanger and really has the potential to become a great story.

Hope that this has been some help.

Athas

Thanks for the critique athas...it does help a lot. LOL I actually had a dream about this last night...I may write it down, if I get time...or if baby gives me time I should say.

I agree about the cliffhanger bit. It's good. When you say you hope the baby is "back in my arms by morning" I assumed when reading it that you have either gone totally insane after some kind of loss i.e. miscarriage and maybe hoping for a reconcilliation, or that the baby has been abducted or taken by a family member. I know you don't know because you haven't developed a reason, but that would be my guess hehe!

Your right I didn't know until my dream last night, but if I get a chance to write it down it's very interesting...if I do get to pen it all, I'll e-mail it to you lol

I lay here thinking. Wondering where it all went wrong.
I can hear people coming and going from the other rooms, all with different reasons for being here, and if I cared I may wonder what those reasons were.

It's cold and dark, the air is stale and musty smelling. The only light in the room is the pale green glow from my alarm clock on the rickety wooden table beside the bed....it now reads 11.45pm.
Amid the din of muffled voices of a young couple arguing in the next room I can hear the lapping of the waves on the shore. Some people would find that comforting even theraputic. To me it's tourture, a continuous reminder that I'm not at home in the city with my comfortable bed and successful life.

Why am I here? Why did I sacrifice my friends, career and lifestyle? To get my baby back!
He was taken what seems to be a lifetime ago now. I searched and fought for so long until I had to conceede and try to move on.
I did, or so it seemed to others. That's why I lay here now, thinking in the dark. Sacrifice? If he is back in my arms in the morning it won't have been a sacrifice at all, it would be worth all that and more.
A glance across at the clock tells me it’s now 12.48pm. Could time pass any slower? My mind begins to search, way back to the begining. Way back to when my parents introduced me to Giovanni. How different my life would have been if I had said no to the typical Sicilian arranged marriage. He was good, I’ll give him that, the patience and disclipine it must have taken to seem like such a kind loving individual, he had us all fooled, every one of us.
If my father had know what this man, no, this beast was capable of, he would have protected me from it all.

Maybe if he hadn’t had been the way he was, I would never have fallen for his opposite, Anthony. Ahh Anthony, my forbidden love, my saviour, I miss him so much already.

A letter was pushed under the door of my apartment three weeks ago.....I read over it in my mind once again...........if you want your angel you must follow my instructions, and completely. Remember I will always be watching you, waiting for you to make an error. You left me and so you had to suffer, to feel loss the way I did, you have done that, but now.....you must make sacrifices, and I must see you suffer more!
You must leave Anthony, you cannot explain why, or he will die. You can never again contact him or anyone he knows, or he will die.
You must leave your job, your appartment, your friends and family.
Explanation or contact of any kind with any of these people or the feds, and you guessed it, Anthony will die.
Choose Anthony over our child, Anthony will die, and you will have nothing to show for it.
So now, choose, how much are you willing to sacrifice? Who do you have more love for?
Be at the Sandy Shores Motel, three weeks from today. I will know if you have complied...if you have, you will get him back.

That is very passionate writing angelblade, a little sad though.

lol, you really think it's sad? I think it's a shame, but happy as she will get her baby back

I like it, but I als wonder why you dreamt that lol Thank goodness she gets the baby back or I'd have cried I dreamt I had a fight with Kerry Katona and her husband last night. They were trying to get me to do their gardening and I was annoyed about it. I have NO IDEA I don't even read anything about these people!!

hahahahha, unusual to say the lest!

So is it Anthony or the Baby or both?

Sorry fanmale, I don't understand the question...is what Anthony the baby or both?

Sorry, the way I interprerted it, you had to make a choice between Anthony or the baby?I was just asking you which you chose?

ok, basically in the letter, he gives her the choice of leaving everything incl. Anthony and having the baby back.....or.......choosing Anthony, and Anthony being killed anyway....so not much of a choice really anyway, that's because he is a very nasty individual, and basically wants to see her suffer.